Ever watch The Wizard of Oz high on weed????????
Current mood: nostalgic
I remember some 20 years ago -- me and a friend smoked a shitload of weed and watched The Wizard of Oz and we came to the following conclusions:
1. The Wicked Witch was a bulldyke. She was stalking Dorothy relentlessly and calling her, "My pretty." Plus she tried to injure anyone who came near her. Kinda obvious observation in retro, huh? Miss Gulch? Same. Wanted some Auntie Em hooch.
2. The Tin Man and The Cowardly Lion were flaming homo's because they were ALWAYS crying like bitches about something. The Cowardly Lion had little red bows in his hair and a fuckin' Superfly perm after he gets all gussied up in order to see The Wizard for Christ's sake! Little red bows? ON A DUDE?
3. The Cowardly Lion & The Tin Man were lovers. How could you miss that? Ever ass-grabbing, hugging and weeping.
4. We speculated on the benefits and disadvantages of having a dick made of straw, tin or a small furry lion cock. We were riding tin just in case you were wondering.
5. When my friend looked at me with bloodshot eyes and asked me why there were no black people in The Wizard of Oz, quick as a flash I said, "Who do you think the fucking Flying Monkey's represent?!" Extra helping of fucked up, sure -- but in 1939 Hollywood they always had to have The Black Villain.
6. We shared the fantasy of midget orgies because if you got fisted by a midget...it would probably feel like a really big dick.
7. They were all junkies. The lot of them -- hence the poppies (heroin) and snow (cocaine) falling from the sky. No wonder they skipped all the way to Oz. It's called a speedball children. Yes, and Toto too!
8. The Lollypop Guild never got any pussy. Look at their expressions. The Lullaby League were little tutu-wearing under age cock teases.
9. Dorothy, being the heroin/crack whore that she was -- would probably be reduced to selling pussy to get out of Oz. Clicking your feet together just fucks up your shoes dear. You're surrounded by horny dwarves. They'll pay. Trust me. Suck the Snasage.
10. Speaking of horny dwarves – Glenda, The Good Witch looked like a wedding cake and we had no doubt of what she commanded of The Munchkins once everyone left Munchkinland. How many was she hiding under that giant dress? Why do you think she has that ultra high-pitched twittery laugh?
11. Judging from the difficult time Dorothy had saying good-by to The Scarecrow, we knew -- we were absolutely certain of her copulation with The Orowheat Boy.
12. Toto should have pissed on the apple-throwing trees.
13. Toto should have pissed on The Wicked Witch of the West.
14. When set ablaze by The Witch why didn't The Scarecrow Stop! Drop! And Roll!? Richard Pryor didn't heed this little nugget of wisdom either.
15. Finally, we would have had to put the beatdown on Glenda The Good Witch for not giving us the shortcut in the first fucking place. Oh, you bloated pink cunt! You let me almost get killed by The Wicked Witch, Flying Monkey's, speedballs, and getting pimped by The Wizard, when I could have been home days ago? Scarecrow, hold my basket! I'm shoving that wand up her ASS!
If I've offended anyone for mutilating a classic film loved by young and old, have a nice, hot cup of Shut the Fuck Up!
…and kids…say no to drugs. A mind is a terrible thing wasted.