Saturday, October 3, 2009

Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Why Does the Body of Christ Taste So Shitty????????
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

NOTE: For those of you who don't know, I posted this blog last year and my site was recently attacked and a malicious code placed in the blog comments of my blogs regarding religion which rendered my site inoperable. So in the interests of free speech which is sorely in jeopardy under our current administration, I extend a hearty "fuck you" to the "wrong-wing" extremists...

If you are a Serial Christian, do yourself a favor and read no further...

Though I'm no longer a Christian, sometimes I wonder about the strange thoughts that occurred to me while in church with some big, fat, sweaty guy yelling at me about my sins while he eyed the godhead titties of the choir director. It was especially traumatic because I went to a predominantly black Southern Baptist church which is one step away from Pentecostal Snake Handling. Freakish. Seriously.

Yelling, eyes rolling up to the whites, screaming gibberish, falling out in the aisles, jumping up and down, the rending of clothing, and general mayhem which all seemed the fault of "The Mysterious Holy Spirit" which I wanted no part of since he made people spaz out in public. They drug one lady out by her arms, kicking and screaming with her dress hiked up over her hips and her girdle showing! Come to think of it, if she had vomited green bile and humped the crucifix -- we would've had the movie "The Exorcist" way before its time. Either that or unbeknownst to us -- we were attending Our Lady of the Sacred Epileptics Congregation.

Whenever I would look up at my mother when someone had one of these apoplectic fugues or conniptions, my mother would say, "Well they're just full of the Holy Spirit." "Well keep that seizure producing SOB away from me" was what I was thinking. I was a terrified child and to this day, the sound of gospel music freaks me out. I didn't want the entire congregation to see my Underoo's. After being forced to eat flavorless Jesus, the seizure producing Holy Spirit -- and I had no clue what the hell was up...

So, behold my twisted musings:

Why does the body of Christ have to taste so bland?

Hey folks! Why can't we at least have saltines or Wheat Thins? Wheat Thins even have fiber in them. So when you're trying to give birth to an oversized butt gherkin, and screaming to Jesus for assistance and/or relief, the thought may occur to you, "Next time, I'm having the high fiber Body of Christ!"

Or, what about those little frozen pizzas? You'd have your choice of flavors: "Mmmm...the body of Christ is spicy. He tastes of pepperoni and sausage. Jesus is one tasty savior! I love the basil & cheese Jesus with extra sauce...try it next time!" Trust me. Willing souls would be lined up around the block for a taste of Jesus.

If I'm expected to eat the body of Christ, why can't I have a choice of what part I want to eat? Does it always have to be crackers? "I'd like to have a wing and a leg of Jesus and hold the 'slaw please." Who said it had to be crackers? And if it does, can't we at least spread some Smuckers Jam on Jesus?

If I'm supposed to drink the blood of Jesus, why can't we make it more pleasant by turning it into a Jesus Tasting Festival? "This vintage of Jesus tastes awesome...fruity with the full body of Christ." Can you pass me a thigh of Jesus with some mashed potatoes and gravy please? Thanks."

Technically, the wine is supposed to only represent the blood of Christ so why does it always have to be red? Why can't we have an amusing Chardonnay or Rosé? I don't want a heavy port or Bordeaux first thing in the bleedin' morning! Or fuck it! Let's all just drink blood! Slaughter your pew neighbor and drink his blood.

If your church is too cheap to serve wine, and your only choice is grape juice; why can't I have grapefruit juice instead? Or orange juice? Juicy Juice makes a great cherry juice and its 100 percent Jesus Juice with no high fructose corn syrup and you get a full days supply of vitamin C too!

What if you don't like wine and crackers? Assuming that all of Jesus is simply delicious -- why aren't we allowed to explore the possibilities? "I'd like to try the toe jam of Jesus please" which probably tastes like the finest caviar. What about prime rib roast of Jesus with horseradish?

While we're on the subject, why does Jewish food taste as bad as the Body of Christ? I know he was a Jew but really! Ever tasted gefilte fish? Matzo? Who the fuck did the cooking for these unfortunate souls? Probably Mel Gibson.

Why does un-leavened have to mean flavorless? Instead of bitter herbs, what about a pot of collard greens & un-leavened corn bread and some fried catfish? Your suffering should be over with by now especially if you're supposed to be Gods chosen people! I'm beginning to think differently since he forces you to eat that shitty food.

I'd rather dine on a bucket of chum.

After the Mohel circumcises a little Jewish infant, what happens to the foreskin? Is that what those fried pork rinds are really made Soylent Green? They certainly don't taste like chicken and I thought babies were supposed to taste of chicken. What a gyp!

I shudder to think of where the idea for Hebrew National Hot Dogs came from? Penis of Jesus? Shudder.

Because of the shitty food factor, I truly wonder if Jesus was a black man because obviously Big Mama Mary's cookbook sucked. After all, former slaves made the diet of organs, guts, gonads, chitterlings (pronounced chiddlins), pig's feet, ribs and shit work! Where art thy culinary creativity?

Another reason I have questions about his ethnicity is if you ask ANY black man to die for the sins of the asshole that just beat him to shreds with a whip -- the reply would inevitably be, "Fuck those muthafuckas! Mary! Get the donkey! We out!"

What do we really know about Jesus? I'd like to cut thru the holy bullshit and see the real Jesus...and taste him too!

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