Saturday, October 3, 2009

Camembert Superman

There is a Holy Prophet in our midst CAMEMBERT MAN!! I'm quite serious.
Current mood: confused
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I had a really weird morning...

I got up at 5:45am to be at the market when they opened because, I hate people. Especially the bellicose, rude and angry day-before-Thanksgiving shoppers. Since I only needed cream cheese and Martinelli's Sparkling Apple/Grape Juice (I like it when I have a hangover), I could be in and out in no time flat. Which I am happy to declare is exactly what occurred as I am making some tasty desserts for tomorrow.

Now the weird part. Upon leaving the Ralph's Grocery (a fine establishment by the way) someone off to my right screamed at the top of his phlegm-enhanced voice, "COKE! COKE! COKE!" I heard it continuously until I got out of the parking lot.

Before I reached my fucked-up wreck of a Honda my thoughts were as follows:

1. How nice this somewhat disheveled man who smells of Camembert, mildew and a backed-up septic tank is trying to tell me this tasty beverage is on sale and I'm about the miss this fortuitous occasion?

2. He thinks I'm a dealer and he wants coke?

3. He prefers to read the Ralph's circular aloud...really loud and Coca-Cola IS in fact on sale?

4. He has given up crack and now prefers cocaine and is screaming, "COKE! COKE! COKE!" to express his joy?

5. He is ON crack, coke AND Coca-Cola?

6. He is in fact reading the Wall Street Journal's stock page and the Coca-Cola stock has hit rock bottom and he is attempting to alert everyone in a 4 mile radius of this momentous event?

7. He wants someone to assist him across the street to the 7-11 and purchase a Big Gulp of Coca-Cola for him because they discriminate against people who smell of Camembert? (I even would have offered to show him the many uses of an empty Big Gulp cup. Portable bathroom.)

8. He is just an escapee from a lunatic half-way house...a half-way house where they use Camembert instead of roll-on or stick deodorant?

(Note: At present my dog is running around the living room at top speed and slowing only to chasing her tail. I think she needs Thorazine. I suspect she smokes crack all day while I'm at work.)

9. He is trying to inform the denizens exiting the market that Coca-Cola goes well with Camembert?

10. He is actually that Reverend that got caught buying meth and a male prostitute and this is the unfortunate reality of his life today or is he in fact Mark Foley?

They say the insane are close to divine however I don't remember reading any biblical passages where any of the prophets smelled of Camembert, mildew and leaky septic tank...and were oddly obsessing over some form of Coke. "Behold before thine eyes! Bear witness to the straw and lines of pure white coke...and the angel of the Lord reeked of Camembert...and well, we'll just throw in some Eau de Mildew & Old Fermented Feces. And the angel shouted unto mankind, COKE! COKE! COKE!" And the people were confounded, confused and scratched their heads (and sometimes balls) in confusion.

Thus Sayeth The Lord

So have a wonderful Thanksgiving but I don't think I'll be coming near any Camembert.

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